Her newest BFF, a 13-year old distant cousin, was coming for the weekend and hadn’t eaten meat for two years. My wife away, Daddy was ‘in charge’.

Uh-oh. I looked in the fridge.

Remember how, legally speaking, ketchup nearly became a vegetable? Between that and some crusty mustard (it’s made from seeds, right?) we had two ‘vegetables’ to sustain Adelaide for the weekend.

Despite how little spare time there was, a trip to the grocery store was de rigeur.

Besides, I needed to buy some products I was preparing to write about. One of these was gardein™, plant-based foods that look and taste a lot like meat.

Stuck in my busy mentality, I failed to connect two very big dots you’re probably seeing right now.

I arrived home and threw the groceries into the pantry and fridge. The gardein™ trios and chick’n strips (clever how they can poultrify it by supplanting the letter e with an apostrophe) were set on the table for research.

“I love those gardein things! They’re my favorites!” young Adelaide enthused.

Finally, the light went on: two (meat-free) birds with one stone!

I could learn about gardein™ users – something I needed to write about that very weekend – plus the issue of feeding an alleged problem eater was no longer on the table, as it were.

Adelaide talked about why she liked gardein™. I listened. Yes, this article is part of the fallout.

Lessons learned from the experience

1) We often learn more from our kids than we teach them. The serendipitous event of a veggie-lover in our home for the weekend collapsed hours of research and put some flesh, so to speak, on the facts and data.

2) Blood is thicker than soya water. Here I was, ‘too busy’ for family and fussy eaters. A shift in perspective revealed how they were the answer to my alleged problems. Suddenly family was my work and play!

3) Vegetarians are thinkers. They can help you plan easy meals for when they visit. Genuine vegetarianism is complicated. You need to carefully replace the protein your body requires from meat – or your muscles will start to deteriorate. Someone who’s successfully negotiated their own nutrition meat-free for 2 years – even if they’re just 13 – is obviously a thinker. If you’re not sure, it’s okay to politely ask them about their choices and decisions.

4) gardein™ has lots of recipes. My daughter and her cousin looked up crispy chinese chick’n salad the next night. It was delicious. Honest, I didn’t miss the meat.

5) You’re never too busy to eat right. Shift your perspective slightly and your work can somehow be mixed with your life.

Managing people is difficult. Managing difficult people? That’s a whole new level of challenge. You know the types: the office flirt; the testy bully; the chatterbox who tempts others with homemade treats instead of working; the twenty-something whose every second word is four-lettered. On managing these employees, the experts are unanimous on several points. Most important?

Every employee is an individual. So must your approach be.

Cliché as it may sound – and cliché as all the abovementioned office stereotypes are – every difficult employee is unique. Any consequences must be customized to his or her specific actions. Another important point: Ask yourself whether your organization tacitly condones their behaviour. (Bullies, sneaks and flirts often get promoted. Is there a conduct code?) You may need to address that with your superiors before confronting the employee.

However, even if what you do is always different, how you do it is definitely not. The following directives are repeated throughout management literature.

Address the issue now. Don’t put it off.

Experts agree: confronting problem employees is among the least pleasant tasks of management. Nonetheless it’s crucial. The longer you wait, the worse the problem becomes and the more you lose the respect of other employees.

Indeed, your inattention may be exacerbating the problem. Andrew J DuBrin, Professor of Management at the Rochester Institute of Technology, notes that problems often arise when employees don’t have access to you, their manager. So involve yourself immediately.

If you can’t confront your employee, you’re in the wrong job.

Talk about it. Calmly. Privately.

Public reprimand makes you look like the bully and only breeds resentment. Take the employee aside – behind closed doors or out to lunch – and try to win them over.

Often unacceptable behaviour at work is indicative of troubles at home. If there is a personal problem, offer them time off to fix it. But be sure they understand that their behaviour is unacceptable and the problem must be fixed. If the office flirt makes you nervous, consider having another member of management, preferably a woman on hand. And the bully? Ask him to sit while you continue standing.

Be assertive but not aggressive. With some clichés, like the bully, aggressiveness means the opportunity to escalate the situation. For the office flirt, bring a copy of the company sexual conduct code, and tissues for the cookie lady.

Be specific and crystal clear.

If this sounds obvious, take a quick look at the books on your credenza. Modern business speak is awash in bumf. We feed employees and clients big words, and awkward nonsense to impress. This is not the time to blue-sky your 80/20 or parking lot key learnings. Speak English.

Tell the cookie lady to put her cat pictures away and get back to work; the bully that his hollering hurts morale and decreases productivity; the flirt to cover up; the kid to remove the baseball cap, pull up his pants and stop swearing.

Document it.

Write down all the details, including the date, what was said, your respective titles – everything. Yes, it’s tedious but essential to proper management. You need a paper trail in the event of more drastic action later. Document this and every subsequent conversation you have with the employee.

Never embellish or editorialize. Document exactly what was said immediately after the meeting before you forget details.

Should you eventually fire the employee they’re less likely to sue for wrongful dismissal when you have many documented conversations and warnings. And if they do? They’ll be more likely to settle once the lawyer sees them.

Provide hope for the employee.

Once you’ve had your awkward chat, many employees will immediately improve. If you can, send them on helpful seminars, or provide a mentor. Praise good behaviour publicly; admonish behind closed doors.

Make it clear that behaviour is linked to performance and performance to rewards. And, most importantly, provide regular feedback. Employees jump better through hoops they can see.

And if it doesn’t get better?

Worse than having to be the bad guy, is having to be the bad guy who fires people – perhaps the ugliest aspect of management. Long before even threatening termination (and certainly before doing it) consult HR and your company lawyer. These days it’s hard to fire difficult people even if they deserve it. According to Businesstown.com, “an employee … fired for issues related to … behaviour is much more likely to sue you than an employee fired due to poor work performance.”

Difficult, yes, but not impossible.

Steven Bochenek managed creative departments in marketing agencies for several years. He fired many difficult employees but coached and mentored many more.

The following seems quaint but that’s only because it was published way back in mid-2008 on Workopolis.com – before we had Obama, Glee or a recession.

Few dispute that technology has affected how young people communicate and that they communicate differently. But it takes humility to admit there’s much to learn from our kids about networking.

• Always be in touch

Whether calling, texting, emailing, or social networking, your kids are constantly on top of their friends’ latest news, movements and feelings. Not just local friends. Now the whole world is the school lunchroom.

Make it your coffee room, too. All those colleagues you worked with then left behind over the years – those who’ve gone on to other jobs – they’re looking to connect online and build their network.

• Phatic communication is still communication

Even when they have nothing to say, your kids are chatting. LOL. Hi. Whatcha doin’?

But that doesn’t make it meaningless. They understand that there’s no such thing as small talk. Most of the time, just being acknowledged is enough for your kids. Twittering that she’s bored of math, Lauren doesn’t change the world but does alert her friends that she’s there.

The same principle applies to your professional network. Simple updates keep you at the forefront of your colleagues’ minds. So when they need your skills, there you are!

• Make the technology work for you

Some young people have hundreds of friends whose lives they’re completely up to date on: impossible, 10 years ago. Social networking sites make it doable with a few scrolls and clicks. Imagine staying in touch with your professional network as easily.

A great feature of sites like LinkedIn and Facebook is the ability to hunt down contacts to add to your network. Instantly find users who went to your school, worked at previous jobs, or work where you want a job. Collapse into minutes what would have been weeks of research and constant hours of upkeep.

• Everybody’s doing it

Actually yes, mom, if Johnny jumped off a cliff, nine of 10 kids wouldn’t even wait for the parachute. Kids want to be online communicating because they believe all their friends are.

This must-have factor applies to online business networking. It’s becoming as essential as reading and writing. Your colleagues, clients and competitors are already out there. And with the aforementioned up-to-the-second updating capabilities, there’s always someone there the second business demands it.

Better you than your competitors.

• Be choosey about whom you connect with

For the most part, the days are over when kids raced to see who could have the most friends online. (Aging politicians playing the hipster quickly made it uncool.) Regardless of how big their network is many kids know all of their Facebook and MySpace friends – and the dangers of online interlopers. My kids showed me how Facebook offers different levels of access to users. At the top, friends of friends can’t read my kids’ profiles or see their details. This third-party can only send a message. My kids maintain control, and then decide whether to accept them as friends. This keeps their network tidily free of creeps and strangers.

Likewise in business, you should be judicious about whom you invite into your circle. Quantity is rarely quality. A good rule is to “invite up.” If you wouldn’t give them a recommendation or a job, don’t add them to your network.

• Be a pleasure to do business with

Last year, in her New York Times article “The Facebook Generation,” Alice Matthias observed: “Facebook did not become popular because it was a functional tool — after all, most college students live in close quarters with the majority of their Facebook friends and have no need for social networking. Instead, we log into the Web site because it’s entertaining to watch a constantly evolving narrative starring the other people in the library.”

Your kids are in daily contact with the same people they’re ‘networking’ with in the evening. Why? Because it’s fun! The soap operas that spontaneously erupt online are a joy to participate in.

Maintain that childlike wonder with the world. Be great at your work, yes, but be fun and pleasant too. People will be falling over themselves to do business with you.

• But it’s still business

Remain professional. In another New York Times piece from August 2008, Sarah Jane Trimble noted “the social ease of Facebook makes it easy to look frivolous…people in your network will quickly learn about the breakup of your marriage or your love of Jell-O shots … So perhaps the best tip of all for online social networking would be: Keep the social separate from the networking.”

All you kids, take notice!

No doubt you’ve heard the aphorism, Change Is the Only Constant. Around 15 years ago it became the new mantra in business. Since then, brainstorming has become the new religion. Why?

Brainstorming helps us at least cope with inevitable change; ideally profit by it. Or to misquote another aphorism from Ghandi, to succeed in the modern business world: You Must Become the Change You Want to See or Become Road-Kill.

How we brainstorm in marketing.

For several years, I ran the creative department of an award-winning ad agency. The job taught early that there are two ways to brainstorm: solo or in a group. Both are useful. When there was important high-profile project, we’d conduct a group brainstorm first.

We invited as many brains as possible – offering snacks as incentive – not just creative people: planners, account managers, office staff. All brainstorming evangelists agree that great ideas can come from anyone – and that everyone loves free food.

One person would moderate, usually me. Another would write down everything on a big pad. (Today there’s software to record your thoughts faster.) We would lay down rules. The most important? There’s no such thing as a bad idea while brainstorming.

We encouraged everyone to think wrong first. We’d ask: what would be the worst way to solve the problem? We’d get some way out and dreadful answers.

Then we’d all try to think right. But since we’d just stretched our imagination and considered the silly, these ‘right’ suggestions were surprising and fresh. Sometimes the wrong answers were stepping-stones to the right ones.

We’d brainstorm up to an hour. Then, as the Creative Director, I would thank everyone, circle my favourite few thoughts, then challenge my creative staff to cogitate alone and beat these ideas. Most of the time they did. But I have every confidence this first mental stretching exercise prepared them for the lateral-thinking marathon necessary to create brilliant new work.

So your company’s more conservative than an ad agency.

Is your office not as free flowing as the above? Rejoice! There are consulting agencies who specialize in facilitating your brainstorm to instill greater creativity in your team. Some are quite conservative and rarely even use the word creative. Instead they employ euphemisms like strategic, measurable and insightful. Other consultants are positively wacky, putting musical instruments in the hands of participants to intentionally disquiet them. (No new ideas ever come from a place of comfort and contentment.)

But stuffy or zany, any attempt to shake up traditional thinking is laudable.

For instance, a big blue computer company you’ve heard of once wanted to inspire creativity amongst its own people and its marketing agencies. We were all invited to neutral territory offsite – they rented out the lounge at the Air Canada Centre – and led through silly games by professional facilitator consultants. Dozens of great ideas were birthed that afternoon.

10 Tips for a successful brainstorm.

1) If you can, go offsite
2) Invite participants from different disciplines; accounting, IT, HR – different points-of-view mean different ideas
3) Try to keep the number to fewer than 10. If more show up, great. Split up into two groups, three, four, etc. and continue following these steps
4) Have a facilitator lead the meeting and time events within it; consider a consultant who does this professionally
5) Define up front what the objective is
6) Follow an agenda; despite their flakey, artsy connotations, brainstorms are structured events
7) Start with a non-work related mental warm-up: word games; riddles; play with toys; anything to get participants out of work-headspace. Why? Creative thinking is literally play. It must feel fun. After five minutes, begin inviting ideas to solve your objective; if others are nervous, go first
Encourage wrong thinking. Ask yourself how another person would approach the problem. What would an astronaut or a chicken farmer do?
9) Welcome every idea. You never know which one or combination may lead to the biggie. But when people go off topic, pleasantly bring them back to the objective
10) Stop after an hour. If you can, put all the ideas away for a night. In the cold light of next day, you’ll be able to discern the fertilizer from the manure

If you don’t have your answer, do it all again. Remember, this is play. If you did it right, you won’t have problems getting others to come back and try it over – and you’ll get better solutions every time. Guaranteed.

Steven Bochenek is a freelance writer and creative director. He sometimes facilitates brainstorms.

You know him (or her). He’s not the boss but runs the department, making the boss look great. Not only on top of all her projects, she’s magically finds and joins those that haven’t surfaced yet. How do you identify that office superconductor – that star who’ll be boss one day – and get her on your side?

People and workplaces are too complex for one answer. “If there were a single way to I.D. these people, we’d be selling it for a lot of money,” says Professor Hugh Arnold from the Organizational Behaviour department of University of Toronto’s Rotman School of Management. Instead of the office star, says Arnold, picture “a constellation of characteristics.”

“A constellation of characteristics.”

All superconductors practice a combination of intelligence, initiative, drive, empathy (viewing things from others’ points of view), networking and, most importantly, consistency. This is Arnold’s list but other experts concur, though they sometimes express the traits differently.

The good news? None of these characteristics are unattainable. Fast Company writer Alan Webber says: “The secrets to being a star are not in people’s personal characteristics but in how people go about doing their work.”

Intelligence.

There are different kinds of intelligence. Superconductors usually have them all; you can have most.

a) First, there’s your god-given brainpower. Most of us are average, here. But how you develop it is up to you.

b) Remember James Bond: intelligence is also information-gathering. Roll up your sleeves and learn more than co-workers about your job, company, industry and competition. It’s what superconductors do daily.

c) Superconductors possess what Webber goes on to call, ‘”organizational savvy.” In Chicago, where I grew up, people call it “street smarts.”‘ It’s uncanny how she always knows which people in the company to align herself with and which to avoid. This seems instinctual but has more to do with quiet, careful observation and the willingness to learn from experience. How do align yourself with her? First align yourself with the company’s long-term goals –you’ll connect.

d) Finally, emotional intelligence involves thought applied to behaviour. Daniel Goleman from money-zine.com says the superconductor is firstly self-aware. He knows who he is and what he wants. Sound obvious? Surprisingly few people are this grounded. They’re buffeted about by the winds of fate, waiting for work to come to them, rather than creating their job every day. His self-awareness makes it far easier to understand and motivate others. Furthermore, he is a self-regulator, in control of his emotions and impulses. The advantage of this trait is obvious in the competitive modern workplace.

Initiative.

The future leader stands out by her ability to align herself with the corporate objectives, then realize them. She never needs to be asked or has thought, that’s not my job. Her initiative goes beyond initiating: she sees everything through, careful that nothing falls between the cracks. She’s on top of projects, and is consciously and unconsciously initiating new projects months in advance.

Drive.

His passion inspires others and himself. OK’s never good enough. Money-zine.com observes that his drive “goes beyond money or status … realizing above average results.” When resources are lacking, he invents them seemingly out of nowhere. He recruits others, linking their skills and talents where projects need them.

Empathy.

She sees things from others’ points-of-view. Indeed, she enjoys putting herself in their shoes. Empathetic people create allies naturally. This is yet another skill anyone can learn and hone. She’s constantly practicing it, always inviting others’ thoughts and asking questions to be sure she knows where they stand.

Networking.

Today’s jobs are simply too complicated for one person to get them done. The office superconductor surrounds himself with people who help. He recruits and contributes. The superconductor does not make himself the centre of attention, but the hub of the project. He’s an excellent team player. He understands that networking is as much about giving as getting. He gets a high from helping others. So, likewise, they’re happy to reciprocate.

Some experts call this trait social skills, but that makes it sound innate – not something you can learn and do. It’s never too late to begin building your own network – or becoming an important part of his.

Consistency

Remember the old business aphorism, Success is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration. The superconductor practices all these characteristics constantly. Eventually she’s promoted. Want to get her onside? Make the company’s long-term goals yours. Be in her network. Study her.

Or, now that you’ve learned how, become her (or him).

Steven Bochenek is an independent writer, who works on his own; consequently he’s a superconductor only to his two cats and a dog.

Some managers say that because student interns aren’t paid, they must be worthless. Meanwhile, some front-line staff say that to accept volunteers is exploitation.

Nonsense.

When you take on student interns properly, everyone wins: management, regular and, of course, the students.

Benefits to management

• Energy – Students nearly always bring a fresh energy to the workplace. The nature of youth and the excitement that comes with embarking on a new career is infectious. A brighter atmosphere in the office inevitably leads to greater productivity.

• New Ideas – We are all creatures of habit, and offices inevitably become staid with predictable routines. If they’re learning at the right institution, students are taught the latest theories and developments in your industry. Their ideas shake the workplace up and keep everyone on their toes. It’s been said that change is the only constant in modern business. Their new ideas can make you an agent of that change, not a victim of it.

• Find Your Next Superstar – Savvy managers are constantly on the watch for that next hire who will make them look good. Having chosen your industry for study, the finest future talent will very likely be in these programs. It’s not uncommon for gifted interns to make themselves indispensable and be hired by the company. Some even go on to eclipse the very people who hired them – usually with a grateful attitude and a long memory.

• Motivate Current Staff – Sites like Workopolis are proof that no one is irreplaceable but some employees need louder hints. Having excited keeners in their face daily reminds employees just how ‘fortunate’ they are. Sure it sounds mercenary but this is work not a club. Again, productivity rises.

• The Truth About ‘Giving Back’ – In her book, The Secret, author Rhonda Byrne describes the transitive nature of charity and gratitude. When you do something kind, like giving students their first break in your industry (even an unpaid one), you feel magnificent. When you give back, you’re receiving: it’s beneficent selfishness.

Benefits to Staff

• Practice Managing – Most people think they could do their boss’s job better. Taking on interns is a chance for employees who’ve been with the company awhile to play manager. At first they may joke that it’s nice to have someone do the ‘joe jobs’. But they learn how to manage, an important set of skills for their own future. They also learn a valuable lesson very quickly: being a manager is actually very hard.

• Chance to Mentor – As with giving back, it feels great to pass on what you know. Interns often bond with staff members, making connections and friendships that last years. It builds a feeling of community: a softer but no less valuable workplace benefit.

• Remind them of their Value – When they’re teaching young people the ropes, your staff are learning about themselves. They’re reminded daily just how much they know and how valuable their role is in the company. Funny how it requires an outsider to make this point.

Benefits to Students

• Graduate – Many programs make it a prerequisite that students intern for a semester before they graduate. For them, it’s a lab wherein they observe, participate and report back. By offering them a volunteer position, you make it possible for them to graduate.

• Real-world Experience – The only reason they’re in their program is to get a foot into your industry. You provided it. What they do from here is all up to them. Who knows? The good ones may even stay on and become fulltime employees with your company.

How to Do It Right

• Treat it like a real job – Don’t de dazzled by the prospect of free labour. Interview interns as though it were a paying position and only take on as many as you can keep busy. This is serious business for students and, given that it will take up some of your time, should be for you too.

• Know the Programs – Be aware of the schools you’re considering accepting interns from before saying yes. Are they up to date? Have any of your staff graduated from there? But remember, even if you don’t trust the program, it wouldn’t hurt to meet a few of the students to learn whether your opinion is valid.

When I ran the creative departments of large marketing agencies, about one in ten was a star, invited to stay on as a fulltime employee. It was a terrific return on investment.

Steven Bochenek is a freelance writer and creative director. While he conceived and wrote it, his website was assembled by a former student intern.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

There’s a ‘simple’ formula for writing a sales letter. Its acronym AIDA stands for Attention, Interest, Demonstration, and Action. Of course, there’s also a simple formula for creating wealth. But if things were truly as simple as buying low and selling high, why aren’t we all rich? Maybe it’s simple but it sure isn’t easy. These formulae require practice, nuance and luck.

This article provides the formula and hopefully some insight into nuance – but you must practice. Countless others are vying for those same precious few seconds of your prospect’s attention, and practice cultivates luck.

First the formula, AIDA: Attention, Interest, Demonstration, Action!

Grab the Attention of your reader immediately. Express your product or service as a benefit to them; they should recognize something of themselves in your opening. “Blamco software will save you ten minutes of filing every day!” Or: “A third-year student in your industry, I can make your workdays easier this summer, while staff vacation.”

Next, maintain the reader’s Interest. Treat your whole letter as an essay to a friend, removing any doubts they have, one by one. List all your benefits as solutions to those doubts. Meaning? Describe every way your product improves their life. “With those extra 10 minutes, you can finish other tasks and ultimately save money.” OR: “I bring heaps of energy to every task and am a quick learner.”

Demonstrate your commitment to making them happy for choosing you. There are three elements here that will enhance your chances of closing the sale: a testimonial, a time-limited offer, and a guarantee.

Testimonial: A few words about your service from a happy customer are worth 10 times as many from you. An impartial party is simply more credible.

Special offer: Make it worth their while to act now. Maybe you offer a discount if they call before a deadline. Maybe you take them to lunch if they’ll hear you out. Be creative. But also beware: your offer should seal the deal, but not be the deal. Don’t sell yourself short. Too many sales letters give margin away in favour of response.

Provide a guarantee. In tests, letters with guarantees always outperform those without. And no wonder: people are wary of newcomers. Your guarantee shrinks that barrier. What about the loss of revenue from clients who demand their money back? You’ll be delighted how seldom that happens. The lift in sales far outweighs the odd refund. And when they do demand a refund? Honour it! Go far to make your client extra happy and they’ll sing your praises. (See Testimonial above.)

Action means asking for the sale, now. Remember the old sales adage, ‘don’t be shy – tell ‘em to buy.’ Briefly reiterate your major benefit, guarantee and offer. Then, ask and make it easy for them to buy. Provide a memorable url, email address, phone number, etcetera.

Next, tips for nuance.

• Crucial: the letter’s about your reader, not you. People love to hear about themselves. Explain how your reader’s life will better when they buy what you’re selling. The word ‘you’ should outnumber ‘me’ at least two to one.

• Grabbing someone’s attention doesn’t mean grabbing their face. There are countless ways to interrupt. Most are a turn-off. Sure you want a reaction and to stand out, but your opening should surprise and delight your reader. Before deciding, compose several openings, then read them to someone whose opinion you trust.

• Benefits, not features. Will your service save them money, time or effort? Will your product make them smell prettier, feel more attractive, smarter? Will you help this boss become more creative or productive? Remember it’s formulaic but subtle. Consider Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs. <LINK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs > There are only five but they’re infinitely nuanced, just like the humans they reflect.

•Write simply and with warmth. Pretend your grandmother’s going to read your letter. Eschew buzzwords and business babble. They don’t make you look smart. Keep it simple, yes, but not simple-minded. You’d never dare talk down to Grandma.

• Be succinct. Use as many words as you need to express yourself accurately but no more. Studies have always shown that longer letters work better. But ‘longer’ in 2009 is still almost no time whatsoever. So be brief. When your first draft is done, go back and say all the same things with 25% fewer words. This article was originally twice as long.

Now practice all this. And good luck!

Writer, Steven Bochenek is a 20-year veteran of the advertising industry. His work has garnered scores of awards, but he has yet to compose the perfect sales letter.

So, has anyone else noticed that 24 has pretty much become The Guiding Light with water-boarding? Consider:

• The blonde with her dark past, handsome incorruptible cop boyfriend, and prison-butch bad boy ex.

•The long lost daughter who gives up a genome so her estranged father can live another 24 painful hours.

• The dead best friend who magically comes back to life but the way we can tell he’s evil now is the new scar on his face and the cropped haircut. Remember last season, Tony looked like a bloated Justin Timberlake?

• The president who has to take a break from peace negotiations every 10 minutes to insert more putty in her face.

• The brothers who can’t stop trying to kill their brothers (Graham/Jack; Farhad/Slumdog Terrorist).

• The Russian mobsters who talk like Boris and Natasha and have big scars to telegraph their evil natures.

It’s all so melodramatic, it should be sponsored by soap companies. How much do you want to bet that in this season’s episode 24, minute 59, Terri Bauer wakes up beside Jack and says it was a dream?

But that’s life when you’re an addict.

We all live in blindness – ignoring the fact that the emperor’s had no clothes besides a bullet-proof girdle since season 5 – hoping that it will get better and they’ll stop jumping sharks each time the digital clock clanks.

Don’t hold your breath. (Unless Jack’s sealing your head in a plastic bag until you surrender the truth.) Instead look for the positives.

Like great hair.

Consider Farhad. Yes, yes, we all know he’s supposed to epitomize corrupt, slick evil with those flowing locks and Canali pinstripes. But with that groovy ‘do, diminutive stature, and hilarious accent, when he opens his mouth, I’m not getting Prince of Darkness. All I see and hear is Davey Jones. See below and try telling me they weren’t separated at birth!

That is some truly brilliant hair, Farhad. But it’s got nothing on his brother his Slumdog Terrorist brother who totally rocks the Cornelius look.

Before

After

Chloe’s evolved from obsessive-compulsive freak to sad sex pot. Consequently they’ve given her this bastard child that lives somewhere between Friends perky and Marlo Thomas helmet.

Not quite Jennifer Aniston; not quite That Girl; keep going Chloe

Speaking of hair, let’s venture south and talk about that vast forehead on Renee. The producers of 24 have always been shameless whores when it comes to advertising and product placement, as the good people at Ford, Sprint, Cisco, etc will testify under oath or torture. But there’s no truth to the rumour that they’re renting out the space on Agent Walker’s forehead for advertising.

Your ad here.

Speaking of no hair, when the hell is Aaron gonna show up? He’s the only other character besides Jack to appear in every season. Maybe in a surprise twist he’ll be working for the Russians. And maybe Jack will be forced to kill him, then suffer a complete spiritual/personal crisis which he can resolve during commercials.

I’m outta time.

It’s a pity so much stays in Vegas. The mountainous desert viewable between the neon sphinxes, blinking towers and roller-coasters is hauntingly scenic and peaceful. Frozen hosers and luckless gamblers can experience unspeakable beauty and intense heat nearby or with a short drive. Free!

Red Rock Canyon – closer than your next winning streak (and lovelier)

“I have friends who’ve lived in Vegas their whole lives and haven’t been here.” Bob is a rock-climbing guide from the Red Rock Climbing Center. A jaw-droppingly beautiful 3-D geography lesson, Red Rock Canyon is not even an hour’s bike ride from Caesar’s Palace. (About 10 miles as crow flies, 15 as the broke drunk staggers.)

Shaped like a titanic horseshoe, Red Rock Valley opens away from the city, so during the day you’d never know it’s as close as Harlem is from ground zero. Its geological formations beggar description – more impressive than the Niagara gorge but definitely better for climbing.

Bob looks like Kurt Russell with sunburn. A lifelong climber in his early 50s, he’s been hired to take me rappelling. That’s a polite way of saying they’ll drag me up and down the rock face. He kits me out in the gear he’s brought from the office.

I’m no athlete but after a single go, rappelling’s already too easy. After twice, I’m bored but we still have two hours to go. “Can you take me climbing instead?” Sadly, because I hadn’t requested climbing, he didn’t have all the right equipment.

“You’d have to use my shoes.”

Climbers don’t use socks. I’m not fastidious but the temperature is 34o centigrade. Then again, worse probably things happened this in day Vegas than a dose of athlete’s foot.

“Thank you. Let’s do it.” Though perpendicular, the rock was riddled with crevices and cracks. So it was almost like climbing a ladder designed by a drunk Antonio Gaudi. With each satisfying yard higher, the view became lovelier.

This was my favourite climbing experience ever and I’ve hiked the French Pyrenees, Swiss Alps and Canadian Rockies. Yet we’re so close to the insanity. Please share this secret.

Death Valley – 2 hours and a world away

Another tip for cold Canadians and low rollers: rent a car. Two hours outside of Vegas is the entry to Death Valley, California, the hottest, driest spot in North America.

Imagine being able to breathe on the moon – Death Valley is starkly beautiful and other worldly. Indeed, George Lucas shot here, depicting Luke Skywalker’s home planet. Death Valley’s name speaks volumes but there’s lots of life in this arid and hostile environment.

Its entire length is just over 100 miles; maximum width, 15 miles. You can drive through in a couple of hours and return by another highway, completing the round trip in a day. Bring a full tank of gas and water. There aren’t any shops here but the wonders are many and, again, FREE:

The predictably named Badwater is a smudgy puddle at the lowest point in North America. Fields of ancient salt extend outward from here, desiccated remnants of an ocean, evaporated a million years ago. A huge chart painted on the perpendicular valley wall measures how far beneath sea level you are: 282 ft!

Now imagine being able to breathe underwater.

You can view similar acres of saltpans from a mile overhead at Dante’s View. It’s a 3-mile detour from the highway. Even this high up, it’s hot as an inferno (yes, Dante, I get it) but the valley floor looks to be covered with snow. How weird and wonderful!

Natural Bridge Canyon – another obvious name – and the
windblown rock formations leading to it look like they’re lifted from Roadrunner cartoons.

Perhaps these unimaginative titles are a reaction to the surreally lovely surroundings?

‘Sailing stones’ are huge rocks mysteriously move by themselves – I’m not making this up – at Racetrack Playa!

The Devil’s Golf Course isn’t a real golf course. It has salt pillars instead of grass and coyotes instead of caddies. Otherwise it’s lonely and deserted. (Tiger Woods would love it right now.)

Mesquite Sand Dunes are right out of Lawrence of Arabia and hundreds of other films, including the aforementioned Starwars.

We spent the night at the Furnace Creek Resort – a lovely spa at a gorgeous oasis towards the northern end of the valley. We felt blissfully isolated and lounged poolside for an hour after a day of hot, dry driving and sightseeing.

That night there were so many stars, the Milky Way looked like an upside down beach. Bliss! Not 10 hours before, I was having an anxiety attack in front a noisy slot machine. Now, we had left truly Las Vegas; relaxed, I finally felt like this was a vacation.

- by Steven Bochenek

Red Rock Canyon Photos courtesy of Red Rock Climbing Center

Death Valley photos courtesy of nps.gov

Room for 1 guy, 3 women, a neurotic dog, 2 snowboards, 2 sets of skis and all the boots and extras, Christmas gifts for 10, and luggage. Still the view was unobstructed.

First, let’s talk room. The Lexus RX 450 h is spacious but not wasteful – similar in size to the Ford Escape Hybrid. Without adding any box to the roof, we fit two sets of skis and poles, two snowboards, three female passengers, a morose retriever, Christmas gifts for 10 people and everyone’s luggage – yet I could still see out the rearview with little obstruction. My y chromosome makes me an excellent packer; nonetheless, Lexus’s engineers deserve some credit.

Comfort. This model came with some decent extras in the Touring Package, including a 12-speaker audio system whose rear subwoofer massages the lower intestines and a voice-activated navigation system that actually works. For two days the temperature steadfastly clung below -20^o; my wife appreciated seat-warmer and dual-zone climate control. Lastly, it’s a quiet ride – always. Unless you stamp on the accelerator, it’s hard to notice the shift from electric power. You have to trust the gauge on the dash, which indicates the mode you’re in. (See fuel efficiency below.)

Heated leather seats in -20 degree cold and a voice-activated nav system that actually recognizes your voice!

Handling. It’s 68” tall. The driver is up high, as you’d expect with a crossover, but it handles almost like a car. One late afternoon in an empty snow-covered parking lot, après ski, I pushed it in the turns, enjoying a nifty performance. You can still have fun without using gasoline (remember it’s a hybrid) provided you’re patient. The wide 19” ‘mud + snow’ tires gripped well – we were fine while all around us, folks were sliding off roads – but I would have felt safer with winter tires that stay soft in extreme cold.

A 2000km trek with the Lexus RX450 hybrid included stops in Central Ontario, Montreal and New England.

Fuel efficiency. It was confusing: American gallons are a different size than British, and American money isn’t quite at par with ours. Still, I know we got great efficiency from the RX450 h because I almost never gassed up. With a curb weight of 4,810 lbs. this is no shrinking violet. But it tipples a conservative 6.8 L/100km in combined city/highway ratings.

Next week, Part 3: the drive home.